All throughout human history, grandparents have raised the young while parents supplied the basic needs for survival. Families either lived together or very close to one another.  Parents and grandparents served as a family "team" supporting and nurturing the young. Children supported their parents and in exchange grand parents looked after the children. Lately however, the family team has broken apart for many as a result of globalisation and the concept of what older people are ‘supposed’ to do.

Times have changed! Grand parents finish raising their children and they have a second lease on life. It is time to travel and take it easy. Family is no longer necessarily the main focus for them as they have done their bit. The simple fact is that many grandparents work full time these days. For many it involves making a life-changing decision to dedicate your life to raising a child at a time in life when you may be looking forward to more leisure and less responsibility.

Some grandparents ask. How do I cope with caring for a grandchild? How do I deal with being a grandparent, and yet sometimes having to act like a parent?

Many grandparents faced with the need to raise a grandchild experience ambivalent feelings.

You have to deal with the reality that taking on the responsibility of caring for a grandchild will turn your lives topsy-turvy. This decision is further influenced by your personality type, values, priorities, life circumstances, how much time and effort will be required to raise a grandchild.

Some grandparents perceive taking on a parental role late in life as a blessing and are grateful for the opportunity to form a deeper bond with their grandchild. Other grandparents while enjoying its pleasures, still resent the responsibility and attendant inconveniences that are involved in raising a grandchild. The health effects of raising a grandchild depend on your basic health, vitality and age.

Naturally, your lives as grandparents undergo great change when your grandchild moves in with you. Instead of spending time with your friends, you become immersed in the social life and schoolwork of your grandchild. And it can be especially difficult when you a grandchild with emotional or behavioural difficulties. You may feel tired, overworked and resent it. You may also feel that raising a grandchild has given you new meaning which compensates for the fatigue you feel.

So, if you are raising your grandchild, expect to have many different feelings depending on the day and perhaps the time of day. On the one hand you will have to sacrifice a certain amount of your freedom. On the other hand, you are saving your grandchild's life. Everything in life is a trade off.

 It will be your responsibility to teach your children life skills and social values. You will have to be consistent. You need a game plan to establish ground rules to make this situation manageable for you. The I Can Do It planner is exactly the practical tool that you need to facilitate this.

The natural inclination is to be as close to our children as possible. Parents spend a good part of their parenting years wondering if they are close enough to their children. The fact is that in order to help our children best we need to be able to detach ourselves a bit on an emotional level in order to be able to be objective.

Most of us feel that our children are a reflection on the type of parents and people that we are. There are selfish motivators in not wanting to see our children’s warts. It has a lot to do with how it makes us feel about ourselves. It also requires us to take action.

So what should we do?

We need to follow the rules of a life guard. We have to jump in and save them. We have to grab hold of them, swim with the current and sometimes against it to reach the shore/safety. In some cases we may recognise that they are struggling but that they can make a go of it on their own, so we watch with a discerning eye. The one thing that we can not do is panic with them or let them pull us under or we will drown with them! This requires that we stay calm and put our emotions on the back burner.

For as much as our children go through different stages of development and begin to see themselves as separate from us and unique in their own right, parents must learn to do the same. It is so important not to take on board everything unpleasant that is happening to our children or to relive every lesson that they must learn on their own personal journey. If we do, we risk being too emotional which may have a detrimental effect on reaching an optimal outcome for our children.

It is important to be able to step back and even distance ourselves so we can sort issues out in a non emotive way, even if we are trying to protect our child’s emotional well being. On face value it may seem that this idea is a contradiction, but it is not.

Adults and children alike stop listening when we lose our cool or raise our voice. It is so much better to be calm and rational and open to listen. No relationship or problem is one sided and if it is then move on because it will never work. It will be much easier to realise if you are wasting your time and energy if you are distancing yourself to a degree. We must put our efforts in positive areas that provide our children with opportunity to learn and grow.

Many people take their kids and run when subjected to bullying and ostracism. I guess that this is what it is all about. Whether one is young or old the rejection from ones peers, school or community is horrible. Throughout time hundreds and even thousands of years ago it was used as a form of punishment when someone did not bend to the will of the pack.

No Tall Poppies Allowed! Head down bum up!

It is all designed by the leader of the pack and many conform out of fear or weakness.

There will be those, however, that are outside of the square, individualistic and non conformists by nature. How do you tell your child to try to fit into a peg hole if they are square? Do we encourage them to chop little bits off of themselves to please the pack?

Teach them that no one can own their sole. They need to hang on to who they are.

But a wise woman told me that realistically we all need to get on with our peers and later in life our co-workers, so it is important to teach our children how to shut up, crinkle their eyes, hang out their teeth and walk away. There is nothing like a good fake smile and walking away. While they are smiling they can think whatever they want.

The bullies are looking for a reaction so if we can teach our children not to react they will lose interest, if your child is lucky. If not you will have to intervene. Prepare yourself to feel rejected, alone, frustrated and like everything is against you. Know that when you take school or teacher to task they will most probably let you down if the family attached to the monstrous child is more powerful in your community.

Know that bullies breed bullies, as the parent is the one that sets the tone and is the child’s role model. Know that people are not on their side they simply fear the ramifications of standing up to the bully.

You can contact the following authorities if your child is being bullied and the school, public or private, is not handling it;

• Police Youth Education
• Ministry of Education
• Office of Children’s Commissioner
• Human Rights Commissioner
• Education Review Office- www.ero.govt.nz
• Legal Aid for Kids
• Teachers Council – www.teacherscouncil.govt.nz or the equivalent in your state and country.

If you have an issue with a teacher that fails to help your child, takes the easy way out and the administration fails to remedy the situation you have rights. Check the legislation where you live on Education Acts. In New Zealand Act 139AZC. *see resource area to view this document.

Your child needs to be in school and the school has to provide your child with a safe emotional and physical environment. If you keep your child home while waiting for the school to intervene recap every conversation with a follow up email on the day. You do not want to be charged with truancy. The responsibility to resolve the issue quickly is on the school. Put in writing what you are waiting for and that you wish for your child to be in school. There are a limited amount of days in a year that your child can be absent from school and a certain amount of consecutive days depending on legislation. Do your homework by asking all of the right questions. Do not be intimidated it is your job to advocate for your child.

If you have a conversation with a teacher and or principal recap it and make sure to leave a paper trail. If the bully belongs to a more powerful/popular family it happens that the school and other parents may turn on you so you will need the emails to prove the time line, incidents and assurances that you have been given to support your child.

There is definitely a Code of Ethics for Registered Teachers. Teachers need a teaching license for private and public school. Even if the school is not holding them accountable the Teachers Council will. *see resource area to view this document.

It is very important to apply basic principle consistently so children know what the boundaries are and exactly what is expected of them.

If we want to instil high self esteem and positive communication in our children then we have to do this by role modelling. If we are constantly nagging, criticizing and talking to them about things that they are doing that we do not like rather then reinforcing what we do like about them then they will not pick up the positive messages.

It is important to know what we expect and want to encourage.

I suggest using the following a guide line;

•  You must communicate clearly. If your child does not hear what you are saying (they my even be hypnotised by the T.V. or computer) then you are    setting them up for failure. Messages should be short and clear. It can be belittling for a child if you bark commands at them. So please keep it short and sweet. They need the time to process what you have asked them to do and they may have questions. It is possible to be clear, short and consistent, as well as, kind.

•  Pick Your Battles. If you want to win the war it is important to pick your battles so ignore little things.  If you are constantly nagging at your child they will tune you out. If they are not doing something dangerous or incredibly bad ignore what they are doing. Children need to have success more then they have failures if they are to be motivated to succeed.

•  Positive attention & Affection is so important. Children need to be hugged and hear praise.  T is so important to recognise and point out the good thing that they do. It encourages them to continue making positive and helpful contributions. This is much more effective then screaming at them and criticizing the things that they do that are wrong.

•  Not Every Child Is the Same. You must allow for differences in children’s personalities. Not all children are the same and respond to the same things. This means in other words that they are motivated by different things. Some children are easier to guide through life and the challenges that it presents but it doesn’t make them bad and they need to feel understood.

•  Everyone makes mistakes. I know that I make mistakes. It is important to let your children know when you make a mistake and for them to see the process of recognition and correction in order for them to learn accountability from the example that you set.

For more information contact www.ICanDoItLifeSkills.com  09-528-8791

The good news is that you have time to do it and everyone has periods of trial and error while raising a family. Children have challenges and some are easier to guide through life than others. Each child is unique so, one rule in many cases can not apply to all. Each child is motivated by different things. The best way to get on the right track is to be a positive role model. Your children are watching you. This should give you a feeling of empowerment not fear. They are not waiting to catch you making mistakes, everyone makes mistakes. What they will learn is the example that you set while resolving issues that you are faced with. This will help them learn to be accountable and responsible. Life presents every human being with challenges and being a positive problem solver will help your child be successful in whatever they may choose to do.

Teach Cooperation - Mary Poppins said it perfectly "a spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down."

The best way to get your children to cooperate is to make it fun! You can make a cleanup a race against time by using the kitchen timer. You can let them add a bit of food coloring to the water to the tune of their favorite color when they wash the dishes. Point out that you all create a lot of laundry and count everything together as you fold it. These activities are actually teaching your children basic life skills.

Communicating on what you think about your child's behavior is a must.

You must shape your child's behavior, approval and disapproval is an effective way of doing this. It is so important to make sure that you are clear that it is the behavior being addressed and not the child. Instead of saying "your are a naughty boy. Why did you do that?" You could say " what you did was very naughty and you should not do it again because..." What you are doing is showing disapproval of a behavior and not assassinating the child's personally.

Build High Self Esteem.

You can make your children do things out of fear of punishment or pain, but they won't learn much more from that then how to be a bully. It will not encourage self discipline and high self esteem. A parent needs to be a positive role model and show self control, non violence and respect for their children's feelings. When children feel loved, respected and you set clear boundaries, in most cases, they will want to please you.

Making Mistakes.

Everyone makes mistakes. No one likes to lose face, so admitting that you have made a mistake can be difficult but essential for the learning process. Help your child save face by saying things like " that spilled because it was too heavy for you, next time ask for help."  If your child forgets to do something point it out to them and ask them to do it but add "never mind, we all forget to do things sometimes."

Don't make them feel stupid.
Don't harp on a mistake that they have made.
Point out when they get things right and do a good job.
Cuddle them often.
Tell that how very much you love them often.
Pay genuine compliments to them.
Do not tease them about their weaknesses or shortcomings.

"A Stitch in time may save nine" means a timely effort will prevent more work later. Many English proverbs encourage immediate effort as preferred to putting things off until later for example, 'one years seeds, seven year's weeds', 'procrastination is the thief of time' and 'the early bird catches the worm'. We all feel time poor these days.

It is just as important to look at how you are going about things as it is to look at how much you are doing and if anyone is sharing the responsibilities. It is imperative to teach your children life skills and social values so they can become effective and self sufficient. You can't do it all by yourself and still be a good parent. It is a 'must' to set a good example if you and your family are going to be able to share positive family time together. You want to do more than just survive raising your children. It should and can be a happier and more positive experience. After all, it is the biggest and most important commitment you will ever have. It is important to get it right!

It is so important to teach children good habits from as early an age as possible. This can be difficult if the good habit is a weakness of your own. Children just don't buy the 'do as I say, not as I do' routine. In generations past children honored their parents differently and were less quick to call them on hypocrisy. So in this generation if we want to do right by our children and have a happy family life then we need to lead by example and battle our own demons. When you think about it this is perhaps the most powerful message and example that we can set for our children. Procrastination is a weakness that many possess and as parents our children can learn from us that it is important to face our demons and do our very best to overcome the weaker aspects of our personalities.

There are less chances that a child will engage in less desirable behavior if they are engaged. When left to their own devices they tend to get in more trouble. Sometimes part of the trouble that they create is all about attention seeking behavior.

Help your child by making sure that;

* They are comfortable because their physical and emotional needs are being met.
* You expect things that are age appropriate
* They have a sensible and consistent routine.
* You set a good example and are a positive role model.
* They are not in harms way and can trust the adults in their lives.
* You praise them when they do good things and make a valid contribution
* You reward them when appropriate with things that motivate them and are not necessarily connected to   monetary things.
* You have clear and consistent rules
* You motivate and set goals for them
* You teach them about social values and the behavior that illustrates them

There is no perfect recipe. There are those children that go astray no matter what you do. In most cases if you provide the above your children they will turn out great and you will have happy times as a family. After all, this is what we all aspire to. We want the very best for our children. The world is a changing place and there was a time where children could go off to wander with friends by themselves and parents did not have to worry. Parents are much more guarded these days out of necessity this does not mean that ever activity that we supervise has to cost a lot of money.

"Why is Mary nice to me when we are alone, but mean to me around the girls at school?"
"Why do people make fun of Asian people?"
"Why do people kill each other?"

Many instances arise that are opportunities for you as a parent to answer hard questions with deeper answers rather then just simplify. It is quick and easy to say "stay away from that girl she is not nice" rather then say "I wonder if something is bothering her that is causing her to act that way. "Maybe we should talk to the teacher about it. She may be going through something upsetting outside of school".

If children are going to understand and practice good social skills and make a valid contribution to relationships they are going to need your help. We are all time poor these days so sometimes it is easier to keep things short rather than getting into a big heated discussion. It is also natural to want to believe our children when they tell us their version of something that has happened. You must recognize that the way that our children interpret a situation is not always accurate. It is also natural for children to participate in the pecking order at times and our job to steer them in the right direction. It does require us to make some calls and investigate at times. We owe it to our children to teach them to be real and to look for deeper answers rather than taking everything at face value because it is easier and quicker.

Pat is the creator of the 'I Can Do It' family planner. The program/planner is a fun and interactive family & school management solution which uses tried and trusted practical strategies and tools to teach your children life-skills, as well as social values. I Can Do It! is the only practical, flexible and diverse program that infuses self esteem in your children while teaching responsibility and self-sufficiency on a daily basis to receive a FREE copy of The 9 Tough Parenting Problems & How To Solve Them report go to http://icandoitlifeskills.com/

Not everything that we have to do should be at the top of the list of priorities.

That is why there is a list. Create a To Do List and then work your way down. Put things on in the list of what take precedence.  We can’t do everything no matter how hard we try.

 Life can be very overwhelming and juggling a family with work in and out of the house along with possible financial restraints can create a very high stress level.

When things are overwhelming it is hard to see where a problem begins and ends. It is easier to manage if you break thing down into bite size pieces.

The following are recommended ways to relieve stress;

• Take a break even if it is just for ten minutes
• Exercise – thins will get your endorphins working
• Read a book
• Do something special for yourself
• Accept that you can not change everything
• Take a relaxing bath
• Take a class
• Meet a friend for a cup of coffee
• Keep a diary
• Join a play centre or  support group
• Change your scenery
• Drink lots of water
• Rest when your children are resting

Counter productive activities;

• Try not to take your frustrations out on others
• Do not forget to eat or your blood sugar will drop
• Do not drink a lot of alcohol
• Do not be over critical of yourself and others
• Spend too much time dwelling on things that aren’t as they should be
• Avoid shouting as much as possible

Time Management is essential if you are going to stay on top of things. Routines are good but with little ones especially, you will need a degree of flexibility. If you manage your time well then things will not accumulate to the point where you are overwhelmed. Most things are achievable when you break them down to bite size pieces.

Helpful strategies

Children having tantrums between the age of one and four have nothing to do with whether or not you are good parents or they are good kids. They are a normal part of development. Young children do not yet know how to put off immediate gratification and can find waiting for something very difficult.

 Children do not have the coping skills when they are feeling frustrated and stressed most probably because they do not yet have fully developed verbal skills.

Tantrums most likely appear when;

• a child is hungry
• a child is tired
• a child is bored
• a child is uncomfortable
• a child is over stimulated
• a child feels unwelcome
• a child is jealous

It is a learning developmental process learning how to manage ones feelings.

It is important that you try to remain in control of your own feelings no matter how demanding and persistent your child is. The worst thing that you can do is pay too much attention or give in. There is also no sense in locking horns with your child so you are better off trying to distract them.

 It is incredibly hard to stop a tantrum once it has begun so it is better to try to diffuse it when you see it coming. Try slowing the pace down and do not give your child too many options or choices to make. Two options are usually enough and both should guarantee an outcome that is acceptable to you as parents.

 Most children find it calming to know what is coming up, so they like having a fortune teller. Give them a heads up so they know what is to come. It does not take much sometime to rock their worlds so let them know when it is time to go ten minutes before. Tell them when you have made appointments or will be taking them shopping with you etc.

When they are having a full on tantrum

It may very well be at the supermarket or a number of other places where there is no ‘naughty spot’! Never mind, so long as your child is not in harms way let them blow off steam. If they see they are not getting the response that they want and are not managing to push your buttons they will calm down faster. You may be mortified but do not show it.

I advise taking them out of a shop and to a quieter place until they calm down. You should not have to be embarrassed nor should they. Other people do not have to be put out either.

When they calm down show them praise for the demonstration of coping skills but do not give into their demand under no uncertain terms.

Most parents can figure out what the riggers are to tantrums based on the triggers indicated above. You can be armed with an arsenal of snacks, drawing pencils, a special blanket or toy etc. You may have to reschedule certain things around your child’s energy levels.

Try to remember that tantrums are not planned or intentional for the most part. They are a sign that your child is in overload. The frequency depends on the child and your ability to tap into what triggers them. Talk to other people that interact with your child and get feedback. Try to have a consistent and calm approach and make sure that you and their other parent are on the same page. Better that you manage the tantrums than they manage you.