I just can't bear grudges. I've tried. I've known resentment and anger and hurt. I can remember trying hard to remember all the bad, but I'm a hopeless optimist. Not only do I think things will get better, I truly believe I will rob myself of the 'now', the joy that could be mine right now. So I let go of the bad. Forgiveness is really important to me.

I have been forgiven - people who know and love me accept me with all my faults and foibles. And I in turn am able, through deliberate choice, to allow their faults and foibles to pass me by. It's not that I ignore them; I fully see the errors in other's ways and through that I choose to love, and select grace every time over resentment.

As I see it, I can't change the other's behaviour that vexes me. I can, however, have control over how I react. It actually doesn't matter what happens to me*, it's how I deal with it that enhances my worth and well being. My choice must be to bring favour and joy, at the very least to myself, but also to the others with whom I interact; the flow-on effect might just stop with me!

So how to do that? One place to start is to identify the actual action and note just why it bugged me so much. That done, honestly assess - did I over-react? Probably. I am also acting out of my own humanness and weakness.

I can now choose to let this situation improve me through allowing it to mirror to me my own behaviour and to take responsibility for myself. This is called growing up. Not always easy, but so necessary. This may take time.

Next, having gotten my own ego out of the way, is there pain in the other person's life? Is there a special reason I am the one to help them on this journey - do I have the privileged position of walking a path with them that is not at all easy, in order for them to grow? If I turn away, will they lose something special and unique that might only be learned through me? That may be reconciliation - am I willing to give that chance up by bearing a grudge that would exclude open communication.

That's all good in theory but can I really forgive? Can I give interaction, communication, friendship or hospitality as if it were before our issue? Am I now able to give as before - to forgive them? If I hold on to the grief, the pain of the issue, I am the one who is robbed. Am I consumed thinking about 'it'? Do I plan my day to avoid this person, this issue? Do I constantly talk of it? Are my friends now avoiding me in case I mention it? Or worse, in case I act that way towards them? Is my time not better spent bringing joy into the lives of those around me?

I know that feeling of "why is it always happening to me?" and the perennial nag, "it's not fair!" Well, life is not fair. Why shouldn't it happen to me? Bad stuff happens... why not to me? I'm not so special that I should be covered in cotton wool and miss the real parts of life. I need to feel the wholeness of life; the fullness of the ups can only be known when contrasted with the depth of the downs. But that is also a matter of choice. To accept that is to find some peace. To give up the resentment and confusion is to know peace.

This is the last step of forgiveness. Can you actually bless the other person on their way? Can you in all honesty, wish them well? Sometimes you will need help to get to this point, but the effort is worth it. Imagine your life if you could let bygones be bygones and grudges rot in dust. Practise with small issues first. Be loathe to take offense. For it is a weighted pathway. I certainly find the weight of carrying regret and resentment too much. So, I just can't bear grudges.

*and there has been some bad stuff - really bad stuff.