Parenting Strategies (12)
The good news is that you have time to do it and everyone has periods of trial and error while raising a family. Children have challenges and some are easier to guide through life than others. Each child is unique so, one rule in many cases can not apply to all. Each child is motivated by different things. The best way to get on the right track is to be a positive role model. Your children are watching you. This should give you a feeling of empowerment not fear. They are not waiting to catch you making mistakes, everyone makes mistakes. What they will learn is the example that you set while resolving issues that you are faced with. This will help them learn to be accountable and responsible. Life presents every human being with challenges and being a positive problem solver will help your child be successful in whatever they may choose to do.
Teach Cooperation - Mary Poppins said it perfectly "a spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down."
The best way to get your children to cooperate is to make it fun! You can make a cleanup a race against time by using the kitchen timer. You can let them add a bit of food coloring to the water to the tune of their favorite color when they wash the dishes. Point out that you all create a lot of laundry and count everything together as you fold it. These activities are actually teaching your children basic life skills.
Communicating on what you think about your child's behavior is a must.
You must shape your child's behavior, approval and disapproval is an effective way of doing this. It is so important to make sure that you are clear that it is the behavior being addressed and not the child. Instead of saying "your are a naughty boy. Why did you do that?" You could say " what you did was very naughty and you should not do it again because..." What you are doing is showing disapproval of a behavior and not assassinating the child's personally.
Build High Self Esteem.
You can make your children do things out of fear of punishment or pain, but they won't learn much more from that then how to be a bully. It will not encourage self discipline and high self esteem. A parent needs to be a positive role model and show self control, non violence and respect for their children's feelings. When children feel loved, respected and you set clear boundaries, in most cases, they will want to please you.
Making Mistakes.
Everyone makes mistakes. No one likes to lose face, so admitting that you have made a mistake can be difficult but essential for the learning process. Help your child save face by saying things like " that spilled because it was too heavy for you, next time ask for help." If your child forgets to do something point it out to them and ask them to do it but add "never mind, we all forget to do things sometimes."
Don't make them feel stupid.
Don't harp on a mistake that they have made.
Point out when they get things right and do a good job.
Cuddle them often.
Tell that how very much you love them often.
Pay genuine compliments to them.
Do not tease them about their weaknesses or shortcomings.
Helpful strategies
Children having tantrums between the age of one and four have nothing to do with whether or not you are good parents or they are good kids. They are a normal part of development. Young children do not yet know how to put off immediate gratification and can find waiting for something very difficult.
Children do not have the coping skills when they are feeling frustrated and stressed most probably because they do not yet have fully developed verbal skills.
Tantrums most likely appear when;
- a child is hungry
- a child is tired
- a child is bored
- a child is uncomfortable
- a child is over stimulated
- a child feels unwelcome
- a child is jealous
It is a learning developmental process learning how to manage ones feelings.
It is important that you try to remain in control of your own feelings no matter how demanding and persistent your child is. The worst thing that you can do is pay too much attention or give in. There is also no sense in locking horns with your child so you are better off trying to distract them.
It is incredibly hard to stop a tantrum once it has begun so it is better to try to diffuse it when you see it coming. Try slowing the pace down and do not give your child too many options or choices to make. Two options are usually enough and both should guarantee an outcome that is acceptable to you as parents.
Most children find it calming to know what is coming up, so they like having a fortune teller. Give them a heads up so they know what is to come. It does not take much sometime to rock their worlds so let them know when it is time to go ten minutes before. Tell them when you have made appointments or will be taking them shopping with you etc.
When they are having a full on tantrum
It may very well be at the supermarket or a number of other places where there is no ‘naughty spot’! Never mind, so long as your child is not in harms way let them blow off steam. If they see they are not getting the response that they want and are not managing to push your buttons they will calm down faster. You may be mortified but do not show it.
I advise taking them out of a shop and to a quieter place until they calm down. You should not have to be embarrassed nor should they. Other people do not have to be put out either.
When they calm down show them praise for the demonstration of coping skills but do not give into their demand under no uncertain terms.
Most parents can figure out what the riggers are to tantrums based on the triggers indicated above. You can be armed with an arsenal of snacks, drawing pencils, a special blanket or toy etc. You may have to reschedule certain things around your child’s energy levels.
Try to remember that tantrums are not planned or intentional for the most part. They are a sign that your child is in overload. The frequency depends on the child and your ability to tap into what triggers them. Talk to other people that interact with your child and get feedback. Try to have a consistent and calm approach and make sure that you and their other parent are on the same page. Better that you manage the tantrums than they manage you.
Not everything that we have to do should be at the top of the list of priorities.
That is why there is a list. Create a To Do List and then work your way down. Put things on in the list of what take precedence. We can’t do everything no matter how hard we try.
Life can be very overwhelming and juggling a family with work in and out of the house along with possible financial restraints can create a very high stress level.
When things are overwhelming it is hard to see where a problem begins and ends. It is easier to manage if you break thing down into bite size pieces.
The following are recommended ways to relieve stress;
- Take a break even if it is just for ten minutes
- Exercise – thins will get your endorphins working
- Read a book
- Do something special for yourself
- Accept that you can not change everything
- Take a relaxing bath
- Take a class
- Meet a friend for a cup of coffee
- Keep a diary
- Join a play centre or support group
- Change your scenery
- Drink lots of water
- Rest when your children are resting
Counter productive activities;
- Try not to take your frustrations out on others
- Do not forget to eat or your blood sugar will drop
- Do not drink a lot of alcohol
- Do not be over critical of yourself and others
- Spend too much time dwelling on things that aren’t as they should be
- Avoid shouting as much as possible
Time Management is essential if you are going to stay on top of things. Routines are good but with little ones especially, you will need a degree of flexibility. If you manage your time well then things will not accumulate to the point where you are overwhelmed. Most things are achievable when you break them down to bite size pieces.
Teaching Your Children Deeper Answers to Complicated Questions
Written by Pat Baker"Why is Mary nice to me when we are alone, but mean to me around the girls at school?"
"Why do people make fun of Asian people?"
"Why do people kill each other?"
Many instances arise that are opportunities for you as a parent to answer hard questions with deeper answers rather then just simplify. It is quick and easy to say "stay away from that girl she is not nice" rather then say "I wonder if something is bothering her that is causing her to act that way. "Maybe we should talk to the teacher about it. She may be going through something upsetting outside of school".
If children are going to understand and practice good social skills and make a valid contribution to relationships they are going to need your help. We are all time poor these days so sometimes it is easier to keep things short rather than getting into a big heated discussion. It is also natural to want to believe our children when they tell us their version of something that has happened. You must recognize that the way that our children interpret a situation is not always accurate. It is also natural for children to participate in the pecking order at times and our job to steer them in the right direction. It does require us to make some calls and investigate at times. We owe it to our children to teach them to be real and to look for deeper answers rather than taking everything at face value because it is easier and quicker.
Pat is the creator of the 'I Can Do It' family planner. The program/planner is a fun and interactive family & school management solution which uses tried and trusted practical strategies and tools to teach your children life-skills, as well as social values. I Can Do It! is the only practical, flexible and diverse program that infuses self esteem in your children while teaching responsibility and self-sufficiency on a daily basis to receive a FREE copy of The 9 Tough Parenting Problems & How To Solve Them report go to http://icandoitlifeskills.com/
There are less chances that a child will engage in less desirable behavior if they are engaged. When left to their own devices they tend to get in more trouble. Sometimes part of the trouble that they create is all about attention seeking behavior.
Help your child by making sure that;
* They are comfortable because their physical and emotional needs are being met.
* You expect things that are age appropriate
* They have a sensible and consistent routine.
* You set a good example and are a positive role model.
* They are not in harms way and can trust the adults in their lives.
* You praise them when they do good things and make a valid contribution
* You reward them when appropriate with things that motivate them and are not necessarily connected to monetary things.
* You have clear and consistent rules
* You motivate and set goals for them
* You teach them about social values and the behavior that illustrates them
There is no perfect recipe. There are those children that go astray no matter what you do. In most cases if you provide the above your children they will turn out great and you will have happy times as a family. After all, this is what we all aspire to. We want the very best for our children. The world is a changing place and there was a time where children could go off to wander with friends by themselves and parents did not have to worry. Parents are much more guarded these days out of necessity this does not mean that ever activity that we supervise has to cost a lot of money.
"A Stitch in time may save nine" means a timely effort will prevent more work later. Many English proverbs encourage immediate effort as preferred to putting things off until later for example, 'one years seeds, seven year's weeds', 'procrastination is the thief of time' and 'the early bird catches the worm'. We all feel time poor these days.
It is just as important to look at how you are going about things as it is to look at how much you are doing and if anyone is sharing the responsibilities. It is imperative to teach your children life skills and social values so they can become effective and self sufficient. You can't do it all by yourself and still be a good parent. It is a 'must' to set a good example if you and your family are going to be able to share positive family time together. You want to do more than just survive raising your children. It should and can be a happier and more positive experience. After all, it is the biggest and most important commitment you will ever have. It is important to get it right!
It is so important to teach children good habits from as early an age as possible. This can be difficult if the good habit is a weakness of your own. Children just don't buy the 'do as I say, not as I do' routine. In generations past children honored their parents differently and were less quick to call them on hypocrisy. So in this generation if we want to do right by our children and have a happy family life then we need to lead by example and battle our own demons. When you think about it this is perhaps the most powerful message and example that we can set for our children. Procrastination is a weakness that many possess and as parents our children can learn from us that it is important to face our demons and do our very best to overcome the weaker aspects of our personalities.
Encourage Good Behaviour and Build High Self Esteem
Written by Pat BakerIt is very important to apply basic principle consistently so children know what the boundaries are and exactly what is expected of them.
If we want to instil high self esteem and positive communication in our children then we have to do this by role modelling. If we are constantly nagging, criticizing and talking to them about things that they are doing that we do not like rather then reinforcing what we do like about them then they will not pick up the positive messages.
It is important to know what we expect and want to encourage.
I suggest using the following a guide line;
• You must communicate clearly. If your child does not hear what you are saying (they my even be hypnotised by the T.V. or computer) then you are setting them up for failure. Messages should be short and clear. It can be belittling for a child if you bark commands at them. So please keep it short and sweet. They need the time to process what you have asked them to do and they may have questions. It is possible to be clear, short and consistent, as well as, kind.
• Pick Your Battles. If you want to win the war it is important to pick your battles so ignore little things. If you are constantly nagging at your child they will tune you out. If they are not doing something dangerous or incredibly bad ignore what they are doing. Children need to have success more then they have failures if they are to be motivated to succeed.
• Positive attention & Affection is so important. Children need to be hugged and hear praise. T is so important to recognise and point out the good thing that they do. It encourages them to continue making positive and helpful contributions. This is much more effective then screaming at them and criticizing the things that they do that are wrong.
• Not Every Child Is the Same. You must allow for differences in children’s personalities. Not all children are the same and respond to the same things. This means in other words that they are motivated by different things. Some children are easier to guide through life and the challenges that it presents but it doesn’t make them bad and they need to feel understood.
• Everyone makes mistakes. I know that I make mistakes. It is important to let your children know when you make a mistake and for them to see the process of recognition and correction in order for them to learn accountability from the example that you set.
For more information contact www.ICanDoItLifeSkills.com 09-528-8791
I just can't bear grudges. I've tried. I've known resentment and anger and hurt. I can remember trying hard to remember all the bad, but I'm a hopeless optimist. Not only do I think things will get better, I truly believe I will rob myself of the 'now', the joy that could be mine right now. So I let go of the bad. Forgiveness is really important to me.
I have been forgiven - people who know and love me accept me with all my faults and foibles. And I in turn am able, through deliberate choice, to allow their faults and foibles to pass me by. It's not that I ignore them; I fully see the errors in other's ways and through that I choose to love, and select grace every time over resentment.
As I see it, I can't change the other's behaviour that vexes me. I can, however, have control over how I react. It actually doesn't matter what happens to me*, it's how I deal with it that enhances my worth and well being. My choice must be to bring favour and joy, at the very least to myself, but also to the others with whom I interact; the flow-on effect might just stop with me!
So how to do that? One place to start is to identify the actual action and note just why it bugged me so much. That done, honestly assess - did I over-react? Probably. I am also acting out of my own humanness and weakness.
I can now choose to let this situation improve me through allowing it to mirror to me my own behaviour and to take responsibility for myself. This is called growing up. Not always easy, but so necessary. This may take time.
Next, having gotten my own ego out of the way, is there pain in the other person's life? Is there a special reason I am the one to help them on this journey - do I have the privileged position of walking a path with them that is not at all easy, in order for them to grow? If I turn away, will they lose something special and unique that might only be learned through me? That may be reconciliation - am I willing to give that chance up by bearing a grudge that would exclude open communication.
That's all good in theory but can I really forgive? Can I give interaction, communication, friendship or hospitality as if it were before our issue? Am I now able to give as before - to forgive them? If I hold on to the grief, the pain of the issue, I am the one who is robbed. Am I consumed thinking about 'it'? Do I plan my day to avoid this person, this issue? Do I constantly talk of it? Are my friends now avoiding me in case I mention it? Or worse, in case I act that way towards them? Is my time not better spent bringing joy into the lives of those around me?
I know that feeling of "why is it always happening to me?" and the perennial nag, "it's not fair!" Well, life is not fair. Why shouldn't it happen to me? Bad stuff happens... why not to me? I'm not so special that I should be covered in cotton wool and miss the real parts of life. I need to feel the wholeness of life; the fullness of the ups can only be known when contrasted with the depth of the downs. But that is also a matter of choice. To accept that is to find some peace. To give up the resentment and confusion is to know peace.
This is the last step of forgiveness. Can you actually bless the other person on their way? Can you in all honesty, wish them well? Sometimes you will need help to get to this point, but the effort is worth it. Imagine your life if you could let bygones be bygones and grudges rot in dust. Practise with small issues first. Be loathe to take offense. For it is a weighted pathway. I certainly find the weight of carrying regret and resentment too much. So, I just can't bear grudges.
*and there has been some bad stuff - really bad stuff.
The story goes that some time ago a mother punished her five year old daughter for wasting a roll of expensive gold wrapping paper. Money was tight and she became even more upset when the child used the gold paper to decorate a box to put under the Christmas tree.
Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift box to her mother the next morning and then said, 'This is for you, Momma'
The mother was embarrassed by her earlier over reaction, but her anger flared again when she opened the box and found it was empty. She spoke to her daughter in a harsh manner.
'Don't you know, young lady, when you give someone a present there's supposed to be something inside the package?'
She had tears in her eyes and said, 'Oh, Momma, it's not empty! I blew kisses into it until it was full.'
The mother was crushed. She fell on her knees and put her arms around her little girl, and she begged her forgiveness for her thoughtless anger.
An accident took the life of the child only a short time later, and it is told that the mother kept that gold box by her bed for all the years of her life.
Whenever she was discouraged or faced difficult problems she would open the box and take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it there.
In a very real sense, each of us, as human beings, have been given a Golden box filled with unconditional love and kisses from our children, family and friends. There is no more precious possession anyone could hold.
Many people take their kids and run when subjected to bullying and ostracism. I guess that this is what it is all about. Whether one is young or old the rejection from ones peers, school or community is horrible. Throughout time hundreds and even thousands of years ago it was used as a form of punishment when someone did not bend to the will of the pack.
No Tall Poppies Allowed! Head down bum up!
It is all designed by the leader of the pack and many conform out of fear or weakness.
There will be those, however, that are outside of the square, individualistic and non conformists by nature. How do you tell your child to try to fit into a peg hole if they are square? Do we encourage them to chop little bits off of themselves to please the pack?
Teach them that no one can own their sole. They need to hang on to who they are.
But a wise woman told me that realistically we all need to get on with our peers and later in life our co-workers, so it is important to teach our children how to shut up, crinkle their eyes, hang out their teeth and walk away. There is nothing like a good fake smile and walking away. While they are smiling they can think whatever they want.
The bullies are looking for a reaction so if we can teach our children not to react they will lose interest, if your child is lucky. If not you will have to intervene. Prepare yourself to feel rejected, alone, frustrated and like everything is against you. Know that when you take school or teacher to task they will most probably let you down if the family attached to the monstrous child is more powerful in your community.
Know that bullies breed bullies, as the parent is the one that sets the tone and is the child’s role model. Know that people are not on their side they simply fear the ramifications of standing up to the bully.
You can contact the following authorities if your child is being bullied and the school, public or private, is not handling it;
- Police Youth Education
- Ministry of Education
- Office of Children’s Commissioner
- Human Rights Commissioner
- Education Review Office- www.ero.govt.nz
- Legal Aid for Kids
- Teachers Council – www.teacherscouncil.govt.nz or the equivalent in your state and country.
If you have an issue with a teacher that fails to help your child, takes the easy way out and the administration fails to remedy the situation you have rights. Check the legislation where you live on Education Acts. In New Zealand Act 139AZC. *see resource area to view this document.
Your child needs to be in school and the school has to provide your child with a safe emotional and physical environment. If you keep your child home while waiting for the school to intervene recap every conversation with a follow up email on the day. You do not want to be charged with truancy. The responsibility to resolve the issue quickly is on the school. Put in writing what you are waiting for and that you wish for your child to be in school. There are a limited amount of days in a year that your child can be absent from school and a certain amount of consecutive days depending on legislation. Do your homework by asking all of the right questions. Do not be intimidated it is your job to advocate for your child.
If you have a conversation with a teacher and or principal recap it and make sure to leave a paper trail. If the bully belongs to a more powerful/popular family it happens that the school and other parents may turn on you so you will need the emails to prove the time line, incidents and assurances that you have been given to support your child.
There is definitely a Code of Ethics for Registered Teachers. Teachers need a teaching license for private and public school. Even if the school is not holding them accountable the Teachers Council will. *see resource area to view this document.
